…..Let’s talk about it. It was the summer of year 2000 and I was 13-years-old. Around this point in life it seemed like all the little scrawny boys in the neighborhood were all trying to see how many girls they could “get freaky” with throughout the summer. Well I was pretty developed for my age so it seemed that I was always getting chased and I couldn’t stand it!!!! There was this one guy that I’ve known a couple of years and we had become pretty close….or so I thought. I considered him to be like a big brother as he was a couple of years older than me. I had let him borrow some CD’s (yes CD’s…lol) of mine and when I asked him to give them back he said they were at his house. My mom wasn’t home and she told me that I could only stay within my block if I decided to go outside but I figured he only stayed on the next street and if I hurried I could go get my stuff and hurry back. So I decided to walk with him and as we approached his street he continued to walk past his home. I asked where he was going and he said he had to grab something from his friend who stayed a couple of houses down from him. I didn’t think anything of it because like I said, this was my “friend”. When we reached his friend’s home I stayed outside by the door to wait. It seemed as though it was taking forever and he knew that I couldn’t be away from my home long so I began to knock on the door to let him know I was leaving. When I knocked his friend, who was much older than me, came to the door and I asked him to relay the message but he told me it shouldn’t be too much longer and asked if I wanted to come in. I refused but he kept insisting. I peeked past his shoulder and discovered that there were at least 5-6 guys in there so I for sure knew that I was not going in that house. As I turned around to walk away he grabbed my arm and started to try to pull me inside. I started screaming and trying to tug away but he just laughed as if I was playing. Eventually after constant pulling back and forward he yanked me inside. While inside he pulled me down to the basement of the home and began to try to fondle me but I kept trying to get away. Finally I got my arm a loose and was able to grab on to his ear and I pulled with all of my might as I dug the nails I had into his skin. This caused him to get angry and he began to use extra force and he began to call me names and started twisting my other arm. It felt like he was trying to break my arm. He eventually ripped my pants down and proceeded to force himself inside of me. While this was all happening I looked over to notice that my “friend’ and a couple of the other guys had made their way to the basement as well. I screamed and cried and fought and screamed and cried and fought until eventually I gave up. I layed there for what felt like an eternity while he finished. I became numb and all I could do was stare at my “friend” wondering why he wouldn’t help me. Once the guy was done he offered me up to someone else but that’s when my “friend” stepped in and said to let me go. Fine timing right??? As they began to kind of “bicker” back and forward I used the opportunity to get out of there immediately. My body was in so much pain as I had never even had sex before but in that moment I couldn’t feel a thing. I just wanted to get home as soon as possible. I darted out of the house and took a shortcut through the park that was behind his house to get home. As I ran tears continued to stream down my face as I couldn’t really understand what had just happened to me but for some reason something inside of me changed and I was no longer thinking about what happened but I began to become afraid because I felt that I would get in trouble. By the time I made it across the park I could see my mom backing out of the driveway in a panic and I knew that she was looking for me. I ran up to the car and she began to yell and scream about me leaving the house, which I deserved because I shouldn’t have left. I told my mother what happened and she immediately called the police and we went back around to the house and it turned into a big neighborhood thing. People were crowding outside while I was inside of the ambulance being checked out. My mom was arguing back and forward with the boy’s grandmother and one of the most detrimental moments of my life was becoming the most embarrassing moment. I started to feel like this was all my fault. I understood that my mother was upset because she has every right to be but in that moment all I really wanted was to be held by her. I just wanted everything to be over. Well for the rest of the summer and for a couple of summers after that I never really went outside again. My mom actually put me on punishment for the rest of that summer for leaving the house but for some reason in my mind I always felt like I was being punished for getting raped. Although I understood the reasoning, I just couldn’t make it make sense in my mind. I mean hey, I was 13 and had experienced something that was going to affect me for the rest of my life. There was a point where it was actually said to me that if I had not have left the house then it wouldn’t have happened. I suffered with this over my head for a long time into my adulthood. I always felt like it was my fault in some way. I began to constantly remind myself that this was not my fault and it could have happened anywhere. I had to tell myself that it didn’t matter whether I left the house or not, it did not give him the right to do what he did to me. I finally began to believe that it was not my fault!!!! And if this has ever happened to you, whether it was more or less extreme, it is not your fault!!! If you have to constantly tell yourself this over and over again, do it!! You will overcome it and will be able to help someone else. I don’t care what people may say, it is not your fault!!! So what if people have talked about you, it is not your fault!!! You will love again because it is not you fault!!!! You will be loved because it is not your fault!!!
There are resources out there that can help you overcome this but if there is anyone out there that just needs someone to talk to please feel free to fill out the contact form below and I will be there to help.
Remember, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!!
– Krissy G